Category: Dating and Relationships
We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually it is a whole bundle
of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear,
hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy,
coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often helps
to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience when you feel jealous.
What is the primary emotion you feel when you are jealous? Demystifying the exact
components of your jealousy can be a giant step towards getting a grip on things
and resolving the problem. Is it always the same for you or does the mix change from
time to time depending on circumstances?
It is crucial to understand what jealousy is and what it is about. Jealousy is about
fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship,
fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our
own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate, and doubts about
our desirability.
For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind the jealousy that is much more
significant than the jealousy itself. Behind jealousy there is an unmet need or a
deep fear that our needs will not be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs
is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the
finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face. When jealousy kicks
in, it is the part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we
feel that our very survival is threatened. When you feel jealous, ask yourself, "What
is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to make this situation safe for
me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"
Jealousy tends to be more prevalent at the onset of a new relationship. In a way
it’s like adding a new baby to the family. In one respect it’s exciting and joyful
and on the other hand, it’s very stressful and filled with fears of the unknown.
Fear of loss and abandonment are also at their peak at the onset of a new relationship
simply because a person just doesn’t know how things are going to play out. Jealousy
tends to subside as the relationship progresses and the parameters of that relationship
are established.
Learn to accept jealousy as a normal but exaggerated response to a stressful, emotionally
charged change in your life. Learn to identify those situations or behaviors that
trigger your jealousy. By becoming aware of these triggers, you can better manage
them and prepare yourself for handling these situations or behaviors in the future.
Consider alternative responses to these triggers. Responses that will reduce the
jealous feeling. What can you think, do, or say differently in order to reduce or
eliminate the jealous feeling? Attack the assumptions and errors in thinking that
occur with your triggers. Work to replace those assumptions and thinking errors with
more accurate, realistic thinking.
Don’t hold onto your jealousy. If you feel it, talk about it. Share your fears and
insecurities with your partner. By holding onto them you take the risk that they
will grow and persist. By discussing your jealousy with your partner you can begin
to establish and negotiate what both of you can do to reduce and hopefully eliminate
these feelings.
Remember that there is not one simple answer to managing jealousy. Each person needs
to figure out what does and doesn’t work for him or her. Don’t just assume that jealous
feelings will just dissipate. When you feel it, examine it. Figure out what the triggers
are, what the actual feelings and fears are and be willing to face them yourself
and with your partner. And never forget, that jealousy left untouched will often
result in destructive outcomes in your relationship.
Christ how patronising, I think we are all aware of this .
I suppose mine is the fact that the person is doing or talking to someone/thing that they are too good for. The whole reasoning is why dumb yourself down?